Cicero Jones Exclusive: The Bush/Pelosi lunch Cicero Jones received an exclusive inside look at Thursday's Bush/Pelosi lunch meeting. What follows is a nearly exact transcript. Enjoy.

Contrary to other media reports, the lunch was not held at the White House. Instead, Bush took Pelosi up on her offer to check out the newly redesigned House cafeteria, which was one of the first places on Capitol Hill to receive a Democratic makeover:

Pelosi greets Bush at the elevator bank down near the basement entrance the the cafeteria. He's a bit late.

Bush: Hola Nancita, what's up? Again, congratulaciones!
Pelosi: Thanks George. Actually, in Spanish the right way to say that is "felicitaciones"
Bush: Heh, heh, (twists mouth to one side) what, ok, let's get some grub. You know, this place is pretty nice, this Capitol complex here. I think Cheney comes here sometimes.
Pelosi: Well, I think you'll enjoy the new cafeteria we just put in.

They enter the cafeteria. Things are very new-looking, in line with those corporate cafeterias that have been designed to provide "healthy eating" options. Bush grabs a tray and begins to proceed down the line of different cafeteria offerings.

Pelosi: George, you should really try the vegan burger. It's delicious, our new chef, Rene Foucaud Soussain, spent a lot of time developing the recipe for the patty.
Bush: Nancita, I'm the decider. And I'm deciding I want some freedom fries. Heh. Freedom is on the march. Heh. Marchin' to my belly! Now where they got the freedom fries and cow burgers?
Pelosi: Um, George, that's kind of the point. You're not the decider anymore. I am. And I got rid of those. Don't you know anything about trans fats? We're making them illegal next week. Anyway, if you want something similar, get the pommes frites.
Bush: Heh, what? I don't read poems. Laura does. Heh (twists mouth again), this food sucks.
Pelosi: I think you would offend Monsieur Soussain with that remark, George. He spent a lot of time developing this menu and I must say, it's quite good and healthy.
Bush: Screw this. I'll just get a drink, grab some grub at mick-diddly-dees on the way home. Where do you keep that Coca-Cola, the American classic?
Pelosi: Again, George, we changed the menu. That stuff is just way too unhealthy. Too sugary. Have you ever seen what happens in the House when you give those freshmen representatives all the sugar they can drink? It makes it quite difficult to bring them to order. If you need caffeine, try the new espresso bar down near the registers. I would recommend the soy latte. It's delicious, and will provide you with those anti-oxidants you desperately need.
Bush: (looks at Nancy, puzzled) I told ya, Nancita, I didn't want to talk policy today, 'specially that environmental jib-jab. Listen, the oxygen's just fine. Leave it alone. Anyway, you get what you want and I'll just grab some pretzels.
Pelosi: Actually, George, we got rid of the pretzels too. Too dangerous, you know?
Bush: You gotta be kiddin' me. This sucks. I'm never eatin' here again. 'Fact, I'm not eatin' here today. Nancita, I'm all for bipartisanship, but not when the food sucks. Anyway, my stomach's a rumblin'. I gotta go get some good ol' 'merican grub. Feel free to join me. We can pick this up some other time.
Pelosi: Very well, George. I had hoped we might be able to start off on the right foot. I think the next two years are crucial to the safety and success of the American people. But if you can't find anything you want to eat, I understand.
Bush: Like I said, I'm gonna go get me a burger and a coke. You shoulda stayed the course with the old menu. Man, it sucks not bein' the decider.
Pelosi: Indeed, George. Talk to you soon.

Bush departs, in a huff. Pelosi proceeds to pay for her salad and soy latte and then takes a seat at a table with Barney Frank and Jerry Nadler, who are munching on some seaweed salad and edamame.

Special thanks to Cicero Jones French language/cuisine/culture expert, Etienne du Plus Petite Etat.  ¶ 10:09 AM