Tour de Manliness So, Floyd Landis, the winner of this year's Tour de France, has tested positive for "high levels of testosterone." The French, who run the show, are outraged as they believe this invalidates his victory. However, I am here to defend Floyd. I am not a cycling guy, so I might not know the ins and outs of all of this stuff, but I have to say: so what? Ok, let's assess the situation:

• I think it is medically proven that French men have low levels of testosterone. I believe this can be further backed up by a google image search for " french guy". Therefore, the standard they set for an acceptable level of testosterone is far lower than that of the typical American male.
  
• According to ESPN.com, Floyd is from a town named Farmersville, PA. Farmers are known to have higher levels of testosterone, due to so much exposure to the soil. Also, they often work in the fields with only a pitchfork and no shirt, which I think, somehow interacting with the Sun or something, leads to Vitamin D, which makes testosterone.
  
• Floyd Landis has this crazy thing going on where his hip is all messed up, right at the joint where his leg bone goes in (sorry for all of the advanced medical terminology, but that is the only way I know how to explain it). So, instead of getting hip surgery though, he just decided to work it real hard so that the leg bone basically wore a new joint/groove/whatever into his hip. Are you f-ing kidding me? I mean, that has to require massive amounts of testosterone - basically creating a new joint without the help of medicine/surgery.
• Floyd has been known to not only kill, but also eat, his vanquished opponents during and after races. Perhaps he has aquired some of the little testosterone they had in their bodies, raising his own levels.
• The French are extremely sad because they have not won the Tour de France in several centuries. And actually, I believe they have only ever won it when racing on unicycles. Since the introduction of the BIcycle, they have never won (I will check with Elias sports bureau on this, but 99% sure). So they are just looking for anything to take the title away from Floyd and finally get one for themselves.
  

Therefore, it is reasonable to conclude that, though Floyd might have high levels of testosterone, that is mostly due to his American manliness. Furthermore, the French are just trying to do anything they can to salvage some sort of national honor. I firmly believe that when the facts become known and fully understood, Floyd will be vindicated. You heard it here first.  ¶ 12:10 PM